Sunday, April 27, 2014

johnny and sandy #1: mashed potatoes

by jeremy witherington

illuatrations by danny delacroix and konrad kraus

johnny looked out the window

it was getting dark

a cat ran down the street

followed by a dog

the dog was barking

the light went on in the house across the street

mom was cooking dinner

dad was smoking his pipe

sandy was doing her homework

johnny kept looking out the window

he was seething with desperation

he hated his life

until dinner was ready

dinner was mashed potatoes, green beans and hamburger helper

johnny did not care too much for green beans and hamburger helper

but he totally hated mashed potatoes

really, really hated them

dad knocked the ashes out of his pipe

and came over and sat down

with a long sigh the way he always did

and that johnny hated almost as much as he hated mashed potatoes

mom called out to sandy who was still doing her homework

sandy, dinner is ready

sandy left her book open on the table in the front parlor and placed her pencil vertically between the two open pages of the book

a practice which always irritated johnny

before entering the dining room and taking her place at the table sandy went to the front door and attempted to call the cat indoors by calling the words

here kitty, kitty

the cat was never addressed or referred to as kitty except by sandy every evening when she called it in this manner

this practice of sandy's also irritated johnny

especially as the cat hardly ever responded to the appeal - about one time in ten

on this occasion, as on so many, the cat did not appear

as johnny could have told sandy, because he had seen the cat being chased down the street by a dog

but he kept his own counsel

on this, as on so many other things

sandy was not at all perturbed by the cat's non-appearance

she closed the door without slamming it and

made her way to the dinner table where mom and dad and johnny were already seated

and where mom and dad had started eating in their methodical manner

and johnny was pushing his food around on his plate

and boiling with rage at a world which included mashed potatoes

johnny's brain was filled with words

words like

assholes buttfuckers cocksuckers dipshit dickheads enema head fuckface garbage pail homos idiot jackoffs don't know shit i want to get my gun get my 45 get my uzi get my ak-47 blow away your boring constipated dickhead

fuckface short eyed molester masturbator needledick pukeface faggot feminazi fuck all of you shiteating cocksuckers i'm going to get my gun and write you a little letter about the fun we are going to have

you are awful quiet tonight johnny, said dad with a little smile. what are you thinking about?


well, that doesn't sound very interesting. how about you, sandy, what are you thinking about?

i was thinking about a new project would like to do in school, if ms cartwright will approve it

hey that sounds interesting sandy, what exactly is this project?

i call it the spectrum project, and it will investigate the ways that humans, who are actually all the same, have been led to believe that they are different but that there are actually all sorts of links connecting them in one spectrum like a rainbow

so why not call it the rainbow project? asked dad

well um i have already done two of those. and the project will incorporate words, music, live performance and digital media -

led to believe by who, asked johnny

excuse me? sandy replied, surprised

humans have been led to believe they are different by who?

by the patriarchy and the priesthood, who else?

i thought it was by mashed potatoes

sandy rolled her eyes

ha ha very funny you and your pathetic sense of humor

now sandy, said mom, speaking for the first time since they started eating, don't make fun of johnny's sense of humor

that's right said dad, johnny and his sense of humor are part of the spectrum too, isn't that right?

yeah, i guess

johnny wanted to smash all their stupid grinning faces into the mashed potatoes with a fucking rocket launcher

ignorant slobbering gorilla blue balls down the highway white lights behind his eyeballs

did you say something johnny, dad asked


oh, said mom, i think i hear the dog at the door

i'll let him in said sandy

johnny stared at the mashed potatoes while sandy let the dog in

robbie! said sandy to the dog how nice of you to drop by

she said something like that or even stupider every time she let either the dog or the cat in

and she made fun of johnny's sense of humor

robbie bounded into the house wagging his tail

and barking

but nor very loud because he was a good dog

he was glad to be indoors

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