johnny and sandy #2 : a good dog

by jeremy witherington

illuatrations by danny delacroix and konrad kraus

for previous episode, click here

robbie sat in the corner like the good dog he was and watched the four humans eat. he knew enough not to approach the table unless there was a good chance one of the humans would give him a scrap. and his chances tonight did not look good because they were having hamburger helper - again! the humans thought he liked hamburger helper but he did not. the humans thought they knew a lot of things but they did not. humans were incredibly stupid. they did not know the directions of the stars, and could hardly tell one star from another. they did not suspect the true size of the universe, or the directions it was traveling in, or even that it had directions it was traveling in. their brains, and their auras, and their interactions with each other, were hopelessly clouded with the constant circular static of their pointless yapping. they could not bark, and barely understood the simplest barking by dogs, or the other perfectly clear signals of other inhabitants of the planet. they did not know which direction to walk in, to eat in, or sleep in, or do much of anything in. they quarreled endlessly about nothing, about the little puffs of static their inferior brains produced. but somehow - somehow - they were the masters - at least for a time - of creatures far superior to themselves. there was, of course, only one possible reason. and that is that they were themselves the puppets of invisible and unknown masters… these and similar thoughts drifted through robbie’s brain as he watched johnny shovel mashed potatoes and creamed spinach into his mouth … with a fork! what was the point of humans using forks? instead of just using their hands? they still washed their hands - and then they had to waste water by washing the fork too! johnny noticed robbie watching him. johnny laughed. how about it, boy, he addrssed robbie, you want some creamed spinach? dogs don’t like creamed spinach, sandy announced authoritatively. how do you know? johnny asked. i just do. typical! to be continued

the waitress

by jeremy witherington

illustrations by jacqueline lemot

a story with over 20 nonillion (20,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000) variations

bill was a - a good guy b - a bad guy c - a regular guy d - a boring guy janet was a - a bitch b - a slut c - a saint d - just a person bill and janet had a - a boy and a girl b - 2 boys and a girl c - 2 girls and a boy d - 18 children they lived in a - a penthouse b - a shack by the side of the road c - with bill’s mom d - in the park bill had a - a big nose b - big ears c - a good heart d - a big smile janet had a - a big ass b - big boobs c - a nasty face d - the weight of the world on her shoulders lucy was a - bill and janet’s oldest child b - bill’s old girl friend c - janet’s twin sister d - a homicide detective dave was a - lucy’s supervisor b - lucy’s old boy friend c - a serial killer d - a troll amanda was a - a victim b - loaded with dough c - a panhandler d - the spirit of love in a hate-filled world dave thought amanda was a - an idiot b - a babe c - a mark d - a terrorist moe was amanda’s a - dad b - daddy c - long lost child d - twin brother moe was a - a drunk b - a sex addict c - the son of a preacher man d - an easygoing sort mickey was a - moe’s best friend b - amanda’s next door neighbor c - nobody to mess with d - a poet and a dreamer bill and dave a - went to high school together b - were on the same bowling team c - went to the same church d - went to the same supermarket dave thought janet a - had fucked bill up big time b - was hot c - should mind her own business d - reminded him of his mother dave and amanda a - needed to talk b - decided to get to know each other c - agreed to compare notes d - overheard a conversation between tony and carla tony was a - the boss of the whole east coast b - a poet and a dreamer c - a retired delicatessen owner d - a good dad carla was a - tony’s daughter b - the town slut c - a loud mouthed pushy bitch d - the mayor’s wife dave ordered a - the special b - a western omelette c - whatever amanda had d - a soft roll and a glass of water amanda ordered a - the special b - a steak and french fries c - whatever dave had d - a whole chocolate cake the waitress’s name was a - sally b - shirley c - sandi d - millie the waitress thought a - dave was cute b - amanda was pushy c - life was no day at the beach d - it was time for a change tony thought the waitress a - reminded hm of his mother b - hurt his eyes c - should show a little more chest d - should pick up the pace carla was a - bored b - scared c - out of it d - ready for anything suddenly a - bill walked in b - it started to rain c - dave realized he had forgotten his wallet d - carla felt dave’s eyes on her the waitress a - took a deep breath b - wished she was in florida c - thought carla looked familiar d - felt bad vibes coming off dave meanwhile janet a - was asleep b - was getting smashed c - was reading her old diary from high school d - was packing her suitcase and lucy was a - reading a james patterson novel b - planning a vacation c - ready to give it all up d - writing in her notebook aaron was a - lucy’s long lost boy friend b - mickey’s invisible friend c - the life of the party d - just a guy unknown to aaron a - carla had a secret life b - janet had strange dreams c - tony was ready to turn state’s evidence d - dave was a sex addict unknown to amanda a - her mother was a trained deadly assassin b - her ex-husband was a serial killer c - she was allergic to the peanut sauce on the special d - a meteor was about to crash into earth dave was wearing a - blue socks b - black socks c - mint aftershave d - underwear with little cupids on it outside on the sidewalk a - a few raindrops began to fall b - a bum scratched his kneecap c - a woman with three dogs walked by d - a dog sniffed at a styrofoam cup amanda was wearing a - a lacy black thong b - red white and blue nikes c - a pained expression d - a yellow ribbon in her hair the waitress suddenly remembered a - it was tuesday b - it was thursday c - she needed to buy some toilet paper d - life was sad carla was thinking about a - a dry martini b - a vacation on old cape cod c - her first boy friend d - the creepy guy in the parking garage last night tony was thinking about a - the new star wars movie b - the fifth race c - retiring and moving to arizona d - how fucked up everything was moe was a - in arizona b - in a bar down the street c - lost in the recesses of his own mind d - ready to turn hs life around when his order arrived, dave a - smiled at the waitress b - said “this looks great. thanks, sweetheart” c - looked at it and sighed d - suddenly remembered something when her order arrived, amanda a - said “thank you” to the waitress b - realized she wasn’t getting any younger c - attacked it with gusto d - looked at it and sighed suddenly tony felt a - dave looking at him b - amanda thinking about him c - that carla was about to betray him d - that life was meaningless returning to the kitchen, the waitress a - broke down and cried b - called her girl friend c - ate a bread stick d - said a little prayer roy, the cook a - was in love with the waitress b - hated his job c - was a yankee fan d - was a red sox fan nancy, the other waitress a - called in sick b - was a backstabber c - was a saint d - was her own woman behind the restaurant a - a cat was sleeping b - two mice were chasing each other c - the sun was shining d - time went by walter entered the restaurant a - and sat down in a booth by himself b - and time stood still c - and nobody cared d - carrying a battered brown briefcase walter was a - a trained deadly assassin b - permanently unemployed c - the loneliest man in the world d - desperate the waitress a - recognized walter b - did not recognize walter c - smiled at walter d - thought walter looked like a creep walter ordered a - a cup of coffee b - a glass of milk c - the special d - two hot dogs, well done, and cole slaw walter a - said it was a nice day b - asked the waitress if she recognized him c - told the waitress she had a nice smile d - told the waitress she should smile more dave turned around a - and recognized walter immediately b - and nodded to walter c - and pretended not to know walter d - and looked past walter at the rain amanda thought a - what goes around, comes around b - you can’t fight city hall c - they get you in the end d - it’s been a long day, and it’s still not over

adam and beth

by jeremy witherington

illustrations by danny delacroix and eddie el greco

a story with 4,503,599,627,379,496 variations

eleven against the universe

by jeremy witherington

illustrations by penmarq studios

a dull gloomy morning. the pale red sun glinted off the dome of the imperial city. cinderella and snow white walked along the railroad tracks. they came to a siding where an old rusty locomotive sat in the purple and green weeds. cinderella pointed to it. "that looks like the prince of wales's old private locomotive." " wasn't that the one that was later converted into a time machine by professor moriarty ?" "maybe. i don't know," snow white answered. she looked around. "i'm sorry, i have to sit down." there was a large petrified toadstool beside the tracks and snow white lowered herself on to it. "ooohhh," she groaned. snow white was twenty-eight months pregnant. she didn't know what with. cinderella was only eleven months pregnant. she didn't know with what, either, but she was her usual perky upbeat self. she wandered around, looking for some rocks to throw at edward vii's private locomotive. she found a smooth round stone and picked it up. she started to turn around to throw it but she noticed something sticking up out of the ground where the smooth round stone had been. it looked liked an enormous tooth. like the fang of a werewolf or a vampire. cin "you shouldn't do that." "i'll do as i please, thank you very much." "all right but don't say i didn't warn you." cinderella knelt down in front of the fang and started pulling on it. suddenly the earth began to shake. "this must be the tooth of a dinosaur!" cried cinderella. "what did i tell you?" "but i can't stop now. when i start something i finish it." cinderella kept pulling at the tooth. suddenly she fell on her face. the earth had stopped shaking and the tooth had disappeared back into the earth. "i wonder what that was all about?" "i don't know but i'm not going to worry about it." snow white looked off into the distance. the pale red sun was starting to go down. cinderella still felt restless. "i think something is going to happen." "of course something is going to happen. something always happens, even if it's nothing." "that's deep." "thank you." "i want to do something." "well, do it. who's stopping you?" "i'm going to try to start that locomotive up." snow white looked over at the locomotive. "it's not on the tracks." "so what? it should still move if i can start the engine." "there probably isn't any coal in it." "why do you always have to be so negative?" "who's negative? go ahead, start it . just remember what happened the last time you tried to start up a time machine." with her perky little nose in the air, cinderella walked over to the locomotive. she had not realized that tree were so many thorns, and bugs, and nasty things, in the patch of weeds the locomotive was sitting in. walter winchell was watching the girls on his screen in his room in one of pope alexander vi’s castles. there was a price on walter’s’s head - a price the girls would be only too willing to collect. pope alexander was a recovering zombie, and the furnishings of his castle reflected that. walter lived in terror of being captured and returned to one of his former lives. he had had encounters with cinderella before - usually to his disadvantage. “did you say something, walter?” darn it, thought walter, i am talking aloud to myself again. walter turned and saw vlad the impeller standing behind him, with a slice of watermelon in one hand and a strawberry ice cream cone in the other. “i guess i must have,” walter answered abjectly. “well, what did you say?” vlad sat down on walter’s bed in the familiar day he had. “um - i forget. it could not have been important.” “nothing is important, walter, except to whoever it is important to. you know that.” walter sighed. “i am not sure i want to go on.” “of course you want to go on. there is nowhere else to go except on.” to be continued?